He Got Me
by AllytheVamp
Summary: Cordleia thinks over her relationship with Xander.


_He Got Me_

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Disclaimer: Joss owns, not I.

Authors Notes: Again I am aiming for some deapth. I don't like to write fluff and I am kinda getting into a rut so here goes...

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I was everyone's girl. Every person who saw me wished they were me. They all stared as I walked by, wondering why they didn't have such a great body and such wonderful clothes. They felt as though I was higher then them. I guess I was. Never in my life did I feel more special then I did in Highschool. I was the Queen.

Queen C.

I guess, looking back, I took it for granted, maxing all my credit cards shopping, having a good time and assuming my friends were always gonna be there and that since they worshipped the ground I walked on, they were true. Everything seemed perfectly in balance. I decided what was cool, what wasn't, who to hang with and who was _somebody_. I never stopped to think that they were people.

Until Buffy Summers came to school and I got thrown into something I never wanted or even imagined could happen. Demons and vamps were real. And I never wanted to deal with it. I hated her from the second she ditched me for Willow. I mean was she blind? Could she not see what a huge mistake she was making?

Then there was the worst of all losers, Xander Harris. He thought he was so good, always strutting up to me with the nastiest witticism he could come up with. I returned them as fast as possible. There was never a dull moment when he stepped into the room with his goofy smile, huge ears and terrible clothes. I couldn't resist giving him and his merry little band a hard time.

Then there was that one day, when I started to get into this whole demon figthing thing. I thought, 'hey, here's something I can do that actually means something'. I was sick of people thinking I was a ditz. With popularity comes that label. I tried to help, but usually ended up ruining a countless number of clothes and getting hurt. Still, I couldn't resist helping whenever they gave me the chance.

Another strange thing happened...Xander actually started to intrigue me. His wit was so sharp I thought I'd get cut when he talked to me. Sometimes I had nothing to say back to him, and others I had the perfect retort. He was endlessly annoying, but it got to be routine...and even a little fun. I found I couldn't see him anywhere without ragging on him, just to see what he'd say. 

Then the unthinkable happened. The kiss. The event that would turn my perfectly balanced life upside down forever and leave me a conscience for the first time.

We were in Buffy's basement. We were both irritated and desperate to get away from that disgusting bug thing. It seemed like he was trying extra hard to be annoying. I got so angry. I went close to him, hissing out anything mean that I could think of.. I felt his angry breath on my face as we glared murderously at eachother. We exchanged vows of complete hatred...

But then something changed. I saw this fire in his eyes that looked as though it was going to explode any second. I felt it rising in me too. We reached for eachother and all thoughts left my head. I just held on for dear life as our kiss flooded every fibre in me. It felt like I was burning. 

Then we jerked apart. 

What the-???

This kept on happening over and over again. He was such a good kisser and suddenly seemed so amazingly cute in his dorky way. I couldn't get enough of him. We had to hide it. He had no desire to tell anyone at first, until for some reason he started asking me to places and insisting it was "some kind of whack" that we could tell our friends we were dating. 

We were exactly dating...not really. I still stand by my belief that dating isn't _dating_ until there is an actual usage of money.

I was scared. Terrified. My friends thought Xander was a loser. So did the whole school minus the slayer and slayerettes. They wouldn't be caught dead with him. They never looked at him and never treated him like a person because of his clothes, his hair and basically everything else. They based their hatred on the package, not the person. And who had put that idea in their heads? 

Me. 

There was a huge amount of guilt that went along with this. I was teaching everyone to judge. Why had I dug this trap for myself?

So I told him there was no way. He was pretty angry. But of course it kept on happening and despite my immense fear, we went public.

It was ok for awhile, excpet my 'friends' completely shut me out. So I dumped Xander right away. I was so scared. 

I hurt him. I had to go back to being a sworn enemy until the idiot cast the stupid love spell.

Granted, it didn't work, but I was touched he would do that just for me. So I told off my loser friends. I didn't care anymore. They were the insecure ones. This guy was special and if they couldn't deal, then that was their problem. See how well they would do without my guidance!

We were so happy after that. We fought and kissed and had dates and fought and fought...but I had the time of my life. I started to appreciate all the little things he did. The way he cocked his head when he listened, when he put his arm around my shoulder...there was so many things. I could confide in him. I finally was able to drop my mask and be whoever I wanted. I was grateful to him for that. I'll always be. Things happened to him and his friends, and I was there for him. We supported eachother. He got me.

One night I was walking home from the Bronze and Harmony said something to me. It was so long ago that I can't remember it, but it made me feel lower than dirt. It felt like it was true. I didn't know where else to go. I went to Xander's and collapsed on his bed, unable to stop my tears. I hurt so badly. I lay my head in his lap and told him I was scared. It felt like I had no one but him. Everything I had depended on was gone. The solid foundation I'd built for myself was crumbling beneath me. He took me in his arms and swore to me he'd never let me get hurt.

He _swore_ to me. It was more then a promise, and I never felt closer to him then that moment. I realized I loved him.

Thats why it might have been fitting that the night he cheated with Willow I got stabbed in the gut. The pain of that was less then what was going on in my heart. All I could think as I heard him sobbing next to me on the basement floor was _How could he do this to me_? I couldn't see or feel anything by the time the ambulance arrived. My parents visited the next day, raving about the obscene bills they were getting, but I tuned them out. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything but them, taunting me as they kissed.

I felt Xander before I heard him. He was coming with flowers to apologize. I was angry by then and wasn't ready to listen to a word he said. So I told him there was no way. I told him to stay away from me. 

As he walked away, I almost wished he wouldn't take no for an answer, but I knew him. He'd never do that. So for that one moment, I allowed myself to cry.

We went back to being enemies, everything special we had shared a distant memory. Then I got the news that I was broke.

My world came crashing down again. Now I had nothing. I really was lower then low. I had to get a job. I had to work! I felt like a peasant.

Then of course, Xander had to come in and find out about it. All the guy could say was "Wow."

I told him basically everything and vented nearly all the fury that had been building up inside of me for the past month. I wanted so badly for him to hold me and swear he'd protect me like he had done before. But that wasn't in the rulebook.

When bought me my prom dress I rediscovered why I gave up everything for him in the first place. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me in a long time. Suddenly, everything seemed worth it.

After the graduation, I left the city that was haunting me and went to LA. Things weren't so great until I met up with Angel and began his business.

Then I met Doyle. I didn't fall in love with him instantly. I think he did. At least that's what he tells me. He didn't have any Sunnydale baggage and he treated me like a princess. That's what I was. His Princess. I fell for him after at least a year or two of friendship. I'm so happy with Doyle. I forgot about Xander and the rest of them completely.

Then he sent my this letter which I hold in my hand right now. I read it with trembling hands. It says everything I've been dying to hear for years.

Xander suddenly walks in. I am not surprised to see him at all. We exchange some words and then I hug him. He knows we have to let go.

He says "I love you."

I can't say it back anymore. All I can do is nod.

When he leaves I break down crying, feeling as though a huge boulder has been lifted. I stare out with tearstained eyes into the sunset. 

I'll miss him.

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